TUCKER TALKS: Black Panties Edition

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If you’re reading this… Congratulations! You’re now part of a historical moment of reading the very first music review on this blog. However, I would prefer it if you postponed running through the streets telling strangers about how privileged you are for reading this, until after you have completed this post. Now prepare yourself to experience the best couple minutes of your life, as I break down R. Kelly’s new album so that you can know exactly what to expect from this “unique” piece of musical work.

Many of you out there probably know R. Kelly as the person who went to trial for “allegedly” making a sex tape, and even worse, taking a piss on an underage girl in this aforementioned tape. But did you also know that he sang? Neither did I! I guess peeing on girls doesn’t pay that well… who would’ve guessed? Well after carefully listening to his new album entitled Black Panties I have picked out several songs throughout it that definitely need to be discussed.

Cookie [Track 2]:

If listening to this song doesn’t make you immediately go out and buy some Oreos then you’re not human! The sad thing is that this song isn’t half bad until the chorus hits. I remember the days when music artists used to use subliminal advertising to at least try and somewhat disguise the presence of major brands in their songs and/or videos, but R. Kelly is apparently too busy for that bullshit (those douchebag cornrows don’t style themselves) and he just blatantly says the word Oreo about 10 different times throughout the course. Someone needs to contact Guinness, because i’m pretty sure that’s some kind of record! If that wasn’t repetitious enough for you, he then proceeds to ask the audience numerous times if they want to “know how he gets down”, which I assure you, you do not. Now that R. Kelly has sufficiently tortured your ears, he feels the need to ruin a childhood memory for you by referring to himself as a cookie monster. Could you imagine Sesame Street if R. Kelly had actually played the cookie monster? There would be a major increase in urine covered children, followed by a vast majority of kids saying the n-word. Another reason to be thankful that R. Kelly has never decided to pursue a career in politics.

Prelude/Marry the Pussy [Track 4/5]:

It’s already a little weird when Eminem does it, but it’s even weirder when R. Kelly tries it. Now R. Kelly has attempted to do a skit in the middle of his album. The track Prelude is the audio from what could possibly be the dumbest conversation I have ever heard. It involves R. Kelly telling one of his friends that he has decided to ask a girl to marry him, however the majority of the skit is the friend arguing with a woman at his place. Over 30 seconds of the track is the friend and the unknown woman fighting about how she’ll get home, which brought to mind of my favourite scenes from Happy Gilmore. All throughout that part I couldn’t help but hear “time to go home there ball… son of a bitch ball why didn’t you just go home?!”. The skit ends with R. Kelly telling his friend that he wrote a song about proposing to his girl, which sets up the beginning of the next track. Marry the Pussy is a horrible song from the start to the end, and has basically no redeeming qualities what-so-ever. First of all, who in their right mind refers to their girlfriend as the “pussy”? I don’t even have to try it to know that it would end very badly for me. And I don’t want to speak for R. Kelly’s girl, but if you say yes to someone who asks you to marry them while referring to you as the “pussy”, then damn girl I think you need to re-evaluate your entire life!

My Story (feat 2 Chainz) [Track 9]:

Now that we’ve gotten about halfway through the album, R. Kelly feels like this is a good time to tell us all about his life story. I’ll save you the pain of having to sit through this four and a half minute suck-fest and let you know that his story (much like his career) ends in mediocrity. The majority of the song is the generic spewings of all rappers, which is that they started off broke and now have more money than you. But R. Kelly clearly felt like he wasn’t getting his point across enough so he brought in 2 Chainz to help him out. BIG MISTAKE! The first half of 2 Chainz’ verse makes absolutely no sense, maybe because I wasn’t drunk or high when listening to it. I can only assume that it was put together by someone writing down random words on pieces of paper, mixing up these topics in a hat, and then writing them down in the order that they were pulled from the hat. Way to go 2 Chainz, another piece of crap to add to your long line of shitty career choices.

Show Ya Pussy (feat Migos and Juicy J) [Track 15]:

Yet another song mentioning R. Kelly’s infatuation with women’s reproductive organs. This song is proof that either R. Kelly gets monkeys to write his lyrics for him, or he stopped giving a shit about his career long ago (i’m hoping it’s the first one). Every single line from the first verse ends with the words “in this fucking club”, cause when in doubt rhyme the same word with itself over and over until the listener becomes brain-dead and is no longer capable of judging your shitty album. Later in the song Migos comes in to take an already terrible song and bring it down to another level of terribleness that had never been reached before. If I didn’t know any better, i’d swear that Migos had stuffed his mouth full of marshmallows before he began rapping, because not a single word of his is understandable. This is probably a good thing, because I have a feeling that if I was able to understand him, I would hate it even more.

Conclusion:

I wouldn’t wish this album on my worst enemy. The only redeemable qualities throughout this entire album are some of the beats, but the lyrics leave more than a little to be desired. I give it 2.5 out of 5 cookies.

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1 comments on “TUCKER TALKS: Black Panties Edition”

  1. If ever I had been sitting on iTunes wondering what album next to buy, you have successfully safeguarded me about the mediocrity and pussy worship that seems to be R Kelly. I appreciate that, I really do. There wasn’t a very high chance that I would have bought an R Kelly album, but it’s nice to know that I can cite reasons why now.

    Thanks for this awesome post about this horrible album! Loved it and I’ll be looking forward to your next one!

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