Welcome to my second instalment of my award winning segment TUCKER TALKS, where I spend hours balancing formulas and mixing chemicals to find out exactly how much of an album is absolute shit. Then I attempt to scrape together the few remains and let you know what parts you might actually like. But before you rush out of and buy me flowers and chocolates, you may want to know that unlike my first TUCKER TALKS article, I actually don’t mind the chosen album of this article. I’ve never really been a huge Pharrell Williams fan, but I have to admit (no matter how much it goes against every one of my instincts) that he did a decent job on his new album G I R L. With that said, I will now tell you exactly which parts weren’t too bad, and the other parts that resulted in…. this…
Marilyn Monroe [Track 1]:
Pharrell starts the album off with an actual good song, which is a useful tactic that most artists seem to not grasp or just refuse to follow. It starts off with about 30 seconds of some shit that sounds like something a Disney princess gets dressed too. Then with his God-like powers, Pharrell changes the entire tempo of the track just by saying “different”. Now we entered a boogie zone, where nothing else exists but big booty woman and sparkly pants. The song is pretty uneventful until we reach the course, where I have to question some of Pharrell’s thoughts. He starts listing off hot woman that aren’t going to persuade him to be exclusive with them. Marilyn Monroe (check), Cleopatra (check), and Joan of Arc… wait what? You’re telling me that a woman who claimed she was following the orders of God, lead an army to several military victories, and makes most modern men look like little bitches, doesn’t get you all hot?! Holy shit, well you’re a better man than I good sir.
Happy [Track 5]:
First off let’s get this out of the way, Happy is a great fucking song, and every time I here it I do something that resembles this. I don’t know what it is about this track that makes it so damn great, but it’s almost as if the title itself is like a magical force, because no matter what kind of mood I’m in this song will always make me feel happy. The tempo is upbeat, the lyrics themselves are simple, and the overall message of the song is pleasant. I imagine that if you somehow combined unicorn semen, leprechaun gold, and rainbows, this song would be the resulting concoction.
It Girl [Track 10]:
This album started out good, and ends with a song that is even better. It Girl has a great beat, which is good cause it distracts me from the god awful lyrics. I have no idea what Pharrell is singing about in this song, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with him and a girl… shocker. When the song reaches the beginning of the course, Pharrell goes almost supersonic, and reaches the point where only dolphins can understand what the fuck he is saying. However the rest of the song follows the same guidelines as Happy, and it just a smooth and enjoyable song.
This album has definitely exceeded my expectations of Pharrell, and I am awarding it the status of being a “not-totally terrible” album. Most of the tracks are catchy enough, and I suffered very little internal bleeding while listening to this. Good job Pharrell… good job. I give it 4 out of 5 girls.